What’s the worst that could happen?

This weekend, Batman and I were lying in bed, he was watching TV, I was reading This Glamour Article. He looked over my shoulder at what I was reading. It sparked a conversation.

Weight has always been an issue for me. Not because of the weight per se, it’s been a control thing for me. I have loved being the skinny one. I thrive on hearing “You are SO thin”. And I not-so-secretly live to hear “you are too skinny” because I don’t believe that is possible. Except that I know it is.

I’ve seen pictures of me the last Christmas I was with Slug. It was shortly after that holiday that the scale said 98 pounds. The control freak inside of me celebrated this news. The rational side of me freaked out. I can see how sickly I look, how malnourished, how emancipated I look. I stare at those pictures in fascination. How did I get there? And isn’t it cool that I did!? The war rages in my head.

Last year, Batman told me it would be worth my while to gain 5 pounds. Just 5. Easy enough for most. A constant battle of wills for me. A part of me that wanted to gain it because I knew I should. A part of me wanted to do it for him. And a part of me fought the idea like a banshee because it meant letting go of the control. I gained the weight, I even maintained it. He made it worth my while.

I’ve lost the weight again. Some demons are just too hard to keep at bay, and some demons are just too familiar and comfortable to slay forever. So, once again, my weight is an issue.

We were reading the above mentioned article. The girl in the picture in that link is 5′ 5″ and weighs 125. That’s 2 inches shorter than me. 10 pounds heavier than I am right now. We talked about that. The ‘happy weight’ he would like me to be? 130.

My BMI right now is 18.0 (underweight). My BMI at my BHW (Batman Happy Weight) would be 20.4 (within normal range). Nowhere even close to being overweight. No where near even topping out in the normal weight range.

BMI Categories:

• Underweight = <18.5
  
• Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
  
• Overweight = 25-29.9
  
• Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater
  

So I started thinking. Really thinking. What is the worst that would happen if I gained the weight. There are several pros to gaining the weight.

• I would be healthier
• I would probably be warmer in the winter (more insulation)
• I would have an easier time finding jeans that fit me.
• People in my life would stop watching what I do and don’t eat like the loving hawks they are.

What exactly is the worst things that could happen if I gained the weight?

• I couldn’t wear my size 2 jeans any more. (but that’s ok, they won’t last forever, and they are so damn hard to find long enough and small enough)
  
• I couldn’t wear my daisy dukes any more (I’m almost 40 years old, I’m getting too old to wear Daisy Duke shorts anyway)
• I couldn’t wear half of my wardrobe as it is right now, any more. (Most of my summer wardrobe is probably too young for me anyway)
• I am afraid I’d be ‘too fat’ and no man would want me (you know in case Batman dies saving Gotham from the Joker. What? I could happen!) (It doesn’t matter to me really if any other man wants me or not. Batman does, not just at the weight I am now, but even more so at the weight he wants me to be)

Know what won’t happen?

• I won’t die.
• The world won’t stop.

Know what could happen?

• I could find out I can live with myself at that weight.
• I could find out that I look better with a little roundness to me.
• I would have to go shopping. A lot. To get a whole new wardrobe. And that would suck.
• I could score some bling.

We talked last night about all of this. I will spare you the entire conversation. There are a few of you who have it. But the bombshell he dropped last night was

Batman: then get there and be happy.  I will be with it (to my BHW of 130)
Becky: you’ll be happy with it?
Batman: what I just said
Batman: no weight no bling!!!  (and right there, my heart stopped.  Dead. I stopped dead, fell back against my chair and just stared at that sentence.)
Batman: damn went for the big gun
Becky: yes you did

Batman: you can’t even respond to the really
Becky: ok.. do you mean that?
Becky: don’t toy with me
Batman: doesn’t mean engagement ring so I don’t want it misunderstood, but it will be a move in the right direction, but it does mean some bling which can be several things.

And so, the worst that can happen is I find out that I can live at a closer to normal weight for me. The best? I get a new wardrobe out of the deal, and some bling, and my man. So, why am I fighting this? What is my hold up? And that my friends is a post for another day.